The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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