Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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