turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
