just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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