it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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