NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
