Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
