Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
