Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
