I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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