I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
