Me. At least after what I've been through.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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