so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
