Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
