how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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