I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
