Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
