i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
