I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
