Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
