How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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