VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I am spending my child support on dildos
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
