wat bout pragnant strippers??
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
