My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This is the prime rib incident all over again
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
