I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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