Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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