so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
