seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
