he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
