Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
