you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
