I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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