Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
