Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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