he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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