Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
