A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I am available for nakedness
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
