turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
