She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
