best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
