Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
