what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
