I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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