the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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