apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just invented taco cereal.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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