everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
