Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
