capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
