if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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