I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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