I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
