I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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