the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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