If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
