I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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