This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
