I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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