did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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