I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
