so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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